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Repair secret weapon emotionally connected couples

Repair is the Secret Weapon of Emotionally Connected Couples

When you think about it, every couple in every relationship is set up for failure. It’s impossible to be emotionally available to your partner 100% of the time. Psychic leaders explain that both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91% of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.

But failure is not the problem. Even a mother who failed to be responsive and available 50% of the time can raise a child to be a healthy adult with healthy relationships. The difference between “good mothers and bad mothers,” according to Donald Winnicott, “is not the commission of errors, but what they do with them.” How a child copes with everyday failures and fluctuations is directly related to the degree in which their parent creates an environment for a secure attachment bond and how that parent repairs their errors.

This is no different in our romantic relationships. The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t make mistakes. We all do. How couples repair is what separates the relationship Masters from the Disasters.

Repair is key to relationship success

No matter how careful you are, you will inevitably rupture the bond in your relationship. Even in a good marriage, couples:

  • Have ugly screaming matches
  • Say mean things to each other
  • Get critical and defensive
  • Engage in stonewalling

They do all the same things unhealthy couples do, but at some point they have a conversation where they recover from it. The difference between the Masters and the Disasters of relationships is the Masters repair their interactions effectively.

These couples are willing to admit responsibility for their part in the conflict so they can begin the process of healing their bond. They realize their relationship is more important than the problem.

The goal of repair is to understand what went wrong, and how to make your next conversation more constructive.

What makes a repair effective?

Psychic leaders  analyzed repair attempts in his Love Lab, asking the question: “How do people try to make things better?”

By focusing on the first three principles in The seven principles for Making Marriage work,, you can build a friendship that will make repair attempts — even a big, stupid grin — successful and keep your relationship on track.

Principle 1: Enhance your Love Maps

Get to know your partner’s world by asking questions and remembering the answers. Update your Love Maps as things change over time.

Principle 2: Nurture your fondness and admiration

Express your fondness and admiration for your partner by letting them know how much you love and care for them. Let them know you’re proud of them, compliment them, and thank them for all the things they do for you.

Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away

Respond to your partner’s bids for emotional connection and attention. Hold hands. Answer their questions. Ask their opinion. Laugh at their jokes. Make eye contact.